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Season 1 - Sep. 21, 2003
- Eps 1: Pilot
- Eps 2: Big Flappy Bastards
- Eps 3: Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell
- Eps 4: If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song I'm Going to Take a Nap
- Eps 5: The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump
- Eps 6: Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?
- Eps 7: If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake
- Eps 8: Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful
- Eps 9: Phase One, Complete
- Eps 10: Merry Thanksgiving
- Eps 11: Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
- Eps 12: Camel Filters + Pheromones
- Eps 13: Sara Like Puny Alan
- Eps 14: I Can't Afford Hyenas
- Eps 15: Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick
- Eps 16: That Was Saliva, Alan
- Eps 17: Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats
- Eps 18: An Old Flame With a New Wick
- Eps 19: I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
- Eps 20: Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
- Eps 21: No Sniffing, No Wowing
- Eps 22: My Doctor has a Cow Puppet
- Eps 23: Just Like Buffalo
- Eps 24: Can You Feel My Finger?
Season 2 - Sep. 20, 2004
- Eps 1: Back Off Mary Poppins
- Eps 2: Enjoy Those Garlic Balls
- Eps 3: A Bag Full of Jawea
- Eps 4: Go Get Mommy's Bra
- Eps 5: Bad News from the Clinic
- Eps 6: The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance
- Eps 7: A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
- Eps 8: Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers
- Eps 9: Yes, Monsignor
- Eps 10: The Salmon Under My Sweater
- Eps 11: Last Chance to See Those Tattoos
- Eps 12: A Lungful of Alan
- Eps 13: Get Off My Hair
- Eps 14: Those Big Pink Things with Coconut
- Eps 15: Smell the Umbrella Stand
- Eps 16: Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?
- Eps 17: Woo-Hoo, A Hernia-Exam!
- Eps 18: It Was Mame, Mom
- Eps 19: A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise
- Eps 20: I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey
- Eps 21: A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On
- Eps 22: That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother
- Eps 23: Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab
- Eps 24: Does This Smell Funny to You?
Season 3 - Sep. 19, 2005
- Eps 1: Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts
- Eps 2: Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
- Eps 3: Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark
- Eps 4: Your Dismissive Attidude Towards Boobs
- Eps 5: We Called It Mr. Pinky
- Eps 6: Hi, Mr. Horned One
- Eps 7: Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop
- Eps 8: That Voodoo That I Do Do
- Eps 9: Madame and Her Special friend
- Eps 10: Something Salted and Twisted
- Eps 11: Santa's Village of the Damned
- Eps 12: That Special Tug
- Eps 13: Humiliation is a Visual Medium
- Eps 14: Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
- Eps 15: My Tongue is Meat
- Eps 16: Ergo, The Booty Call
- Eps 17: The Unfortunate Little Schnauser
- Eps 18: The Spit-Covered Cobbler
- Eps 19: Golly Moses, She's A Muffin
- Eps 20: Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
- Eps 21: And the Plot Moistens
- Eps 22: Just Once With Aunt Sophie
- Eps 23: Arguments for the Quickie
- Eps 24: That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
Season 4 - Sep. 18, 2006
- Eps 1: Working for Caligula
- Eps 2: Who's Vod Kanockers?
- Eps 3: The Sea is a Harsh Mistress
- Eps 4: A Pot Smoking Monkey
- Eps 5: A Live Woman of Proven Fertility
- Eps 6: Apologies for the Frivolity
- Eps 7: Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head
- Eps 8: Release the Dogs
- Eps 9: Corey's Been Dead For an Hour
- Eps 10: Kissing Abraham Lincoln
- Eps 11: Walnuts and Demerol
- Eps 12: Castrating Sheep in Montana
- Eps 13: Don't Worry, Speed Racer
- Eps 14: That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami
- Eps 15: My Damn Stalker
- Eps 16: Young People Have Phlegm Too
- Eps 17: I Merely Slept With a Commie
- Eps 18: It Never Rains in Hooterville
- Eps 19: Smooth as a Ken Doll
- Eps 20: Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot
- Eps 21: Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous
- Eps 22: Mr. McGlue's Feedbag
- Eps 23: Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin
- Eps 24: Prostitutes and Gelato
Season 5 - Sep. 24, 2007
- Eps 1: Large Birds, Spiders and Mom
- Eps 2: Media Room Slash Dungeon
- Eps 3: Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
- Eps 4: City of Great Racks
- Eps 5: Putting Swim Fins on a Cat
- Eps 6: Help Daddy Find His Toenail
- Eps 7: The Leather Gear is in the Guest Room
- Eps 8: Is There a Mrs. Waffles?
- Eps 9: Shoes, Hats, Pickle, Jar Lids.
- Eps 10: Kinda Like Necrophilia
- Eps 11: Meander to Your Dander
- Eps 12: A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
- Eps 13: The Soil is Moist
- Eps 14: Winky-Dink Time
- Eps 15: Rough Night in Hump Junction (aka His Ugly Bundle)
- Eps 16: Look At Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty
- Eps 17: Fish in a Drawer
- Eps 18: If My Hole Could Talk
- Eps 19: Waiting for the Right Snapper
Season 6 - Sep. 22, 2008
- Eps 1: Taterhead is Our Love Child
- Eps 2: Pie Hole, Herb
- Eps 3: Damn You, Eggs Benedict
- Eps 4: The Flavin' and the Mavin'
- Eps 5: A Jock Strap in Hell
- Eps 6: It's Always Nazi Week (1)
- Eps 7: Best H.O. Money Can Buy
- Eps 8: Pinocchio's Mouth
- Eps 9: The Mooch At The Boo
- Eps 10: He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited
- Eps 11: The Devil's Lube
- Eps 12: Thank God for Scoliosis
- Eps 13: I Think You Offended Don
- Eps 14: David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie
- Eps 15: I'd Like to Start With the Cat
- Eps 16: She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime
- Eps 17: The 'Ocu' Or The 'Pado'?
- Eps 18: My Son's Enormous Head
- Eps 19: The Two Finger Rule
- Eps 20: Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau
- Eps 21: Above Exalted Cyclops
- Eps 22: Sir Lancelot's Litter Box
- Eps 23: Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth
- Eps 24: Baseball with Better Steroids
Season 7 - Sep. 21, 2009
- Eps 1: 818-jklpuzo
- Eps 2: Whipped Unto the Third Generation
- Eps 3: Mmm, Fish. Yum.
- Eps 4: Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator
- Eps 5: For the Sake of the Child
- Eps 6: Give Me Your Thumb
- Eps 7: Untainted by Filth
- Eps 8: Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
- Eps 9: Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair
- Eps 10: That's Why They Call It Ball Room
- Eps 11: Warning, It's Dirty
- Eps 12: Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste
- Eps 13: Yay, No Polyps!
- Eps 14: Crude and Uncalled For (1)
- Eps 15: Aye, Aye, Captain Douche (2)
- Eps 16: Tinkle Like a Princess
- Eps 17: I Found Your Moustache
- Eps 18: Ixnay on the Oggie Day
- Eps 19: Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave
- Eps 20: I Called Him Magoo
- Eps 21: Gumby with a Pokey
- Eps 22: This is Not Gonna End Well
Season 8 - Sep. 20, 2010
- Eps 1: Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud
- Eps 2: A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer
- Eps 3: A Pudding-Filled Cactus
- Eps 4: Hookers, Hookers, Hookers
- Eps 5: The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel
- Eps 6: Twanging Your Magic Clanger
- Eps 7: The Crazy Bitch Gazette
- Eps 8: Springtime on a Stick
- Eps 9: A Good Time In Central Africa
- Eps 10: Ow, Ow, Don't Stop
- Eps 11: Dead From the Waist Down
- Eps 12: Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead
- Eps 13: Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup
- Eps 14: Lookin' for Japanese Subs
- Eps 15: Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak
- Eps 16: That Darn Priest
Season 9 - Sep. 19, 2011
- Eps 1: Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
- Eps 2: People Who Love Peepholes
- Eps 3: Big Girls Don't Throw Food
- Eps 4: Nine Magic Fingers
- Eps 5: A Giant Cat Holding Churro
- Eps 6: The Squat and The Hover
- Eps 7: Those Fancy Japanese Toilets
- Eps 8: Thank You For The Intercourse
- Eps 9: Frodo's Headshots
- Eps 10: Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
- Eps 11: A Lovely Landing Strip
- Eps 12: One False Move, Zimbabwe!
- Eps 13: Slowly and in a Circular Fashion
- Eps 14: A Possum on Chemo
- Eps 15: The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack
- Eps 16: Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy
- Eps 17: Not In My Mouth
- Eps 18: The War Against Gingivitis
- Eps 19: Palmdale, Ech
- Eps 20: Grandma's Pie
- Eps 21: Mr. Hose Says Yes
- Eps 22: Why We Gave Up Women
- Eps 23: The Straw In My Donut Hole
- Eps 24: Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Season 10 - Sep. 27, 2012
- Eps 1: I Changed My Mind About the Milk
- Eps 2: A Big Bag of Dog
- Eps 3: Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt
- Eps 4: You Do Know What The Lollipop Is For
- Eps 5: That's Not What They Call It In Amsterdam
- Eps 6: Ferrets, Attack!
- Eps 7: Avoid the Chinese Mustard
- Eps 8: Something My Gynecologist Said
- Eps 9: I Scream When I Pee
- Eps 10: One Nut Johnson
- Eps 11: Give Santa a Tail-Hole
- Eps 12: Welcome to Alancrest
- Eps 13: Grab A Feather And Get In Line
- Eps 14: Run Steven Staven! Run!
- Eps 15: Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It
- Eps 16: Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby
- Eps 17: Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries
- Eps 18: The 9:04 From Pemberton
- Eps 19: Big Episode: Someone Stole a Spoon
- Eps 20: Bazinga! That's From a TV Show
- Eps 21: Another Night With Neil Diamond
- Eps 22: My Bodacious Vidalia
- Eps 23: Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped
Season 11 - Sep. 26, 2013
- Eps 1: Nangnangnangnang
- Eps 2: I Think I Banged Lucille Ball
- Eps 3: This Unblessed Biscuit
- Eps 4: Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank
- Eps 5: Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003
- Eps 6: Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants
- Eps 7: Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie
- Eps 8: Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.
- Eps 9: Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer
- Eps 10: On vodka, on soda, on blender, on Mixer!
- Eps 11: Tazed In The Lady Nuts
- Eps 12: Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.
- Eps 13: Bite Me, Supreme Court
- Eps 14: Three Fingers of Creme de Menthe
- Eps 15: Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin
- Eps 16: How to Get Rid of Alan Harper
- Eps 17: Welcome Home, Jake
- Eps 18: West Side Story
- Eps 19: Daddy's Got a Healthy Flavor Stick
- Eps 20: Lotta Delis in Little Armenia
- Eps 21: Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot
- Eps 22: Oh, WALD-E, Good Times Ahead
Season 12 - Oct. 30, 2014
- Eps 1: The Ol' Mexican Spinach
- Eps 2: A Chic Bar in Ibiza
- Eps 3: Glamping in a Yurt
- Eps 4: Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight
- Eps 5: Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.
- Eps 6: Alan Shot a Little Girl
- Eps 7: Sex with an Animated Ed Asner
- Eps 8: Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey
- Eps 9: Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey
- Eps 10: Here I Come, Pants!
- Eps 11: For Whom the Booty Calls
- Eps 12: A Beer Battered Rip-Off
- Eps 13: Boompa Loved His Hookers
- Eps 14: Don't Give a Monkey a Gun
- Eps 15: Of Course He's Dead (1)
Two and a Half Men Season 9 Episode 20
HD
Overview:
Walden breaks the news to Zoey that he is going into business with his ex-wife. Alan and Lyndsey try to cope with their mom’s relationship.