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Season 1 - Sep. 21, 2003
- Eps 1: Pilot
- Eps 2: Big Flappy Bastards
- Eps 3: Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell
- Eps 4: If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song I'm Going to Take a Nap
- Eps 5: The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump
- Eps 6: Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?
- Eps 7: If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake
- Eps 8: Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful
- Eps 9: Phase One, Complete
- Eps 10: Merry Thanksgiving
- Eps 11: Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
- Eps 12: Camel Filters + Pheromones
- Eps 13: Sara Like Puny Alan
- Eps 14: I Can't Afford Hyenas
- Eps 15: Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick
- Eps 16: That Was Saliva, Alan
- Eps 17: Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats
- Eps 18: An Old Flame With a New Wick
- Eps 19: I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
- Eps 20: Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
- Eps 21: No Sniffing, No Wowing
- Eps 22: My Doctor has a Cow Puppet
- Eps 23: Just Like Buffalo
- Eps 24: Can You Feel My Finger?
Season 2 - Sep. 20, 2004
- Eps 1: Back Off Mary Poppins
- Eps 2: Enjoy Those Garlic Balls
- Eps 3: A Bag Full of Jawea
- Eps 4: Go Get Mommy's Bra
- Eps 5: Bad News from the Clinic
- Eps 6: The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance
- Eps 7: A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
- Eps 8: Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers
- Eps 9: Yes, Monsignor
- Eps 10: The Salmon Under My Sweater
- Eps 11: Last Chance to See Those Tattoos
- Eps 12: A Lungful of Alan
- Eps 13: Get Off My Hair
- Eps 14: Those Big Pink Things with Coconut
- Eps 15: Smell the Umbrella Stand
- Eps 16: Can You Eat Human Flesh With Wooden Teeth?
- Eps 17: Woo-Hoo, A Hernia-Exam!
- Eps 18: It Was Mame, Mom
- Eps 19: A Low, Gutteral Tongue-Flapping Noise
- Eps 20: I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey
- Eps 21: A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On
- Eps 22: That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother
- Eps 23: Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab
- Eps 24: Does This Smell Funny to You?
Season 3 - Sep. 19, 2005
- Eps 1: Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts
- Eps 2: Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
- Eps 3: Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark
- Eps 4: Your Dismissive Attidude Towards Boobs
- Eps 5: We Called It Mr. Pinky
- Eps 6: Hi, Mr. Horned One
- Eps 7: Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop
- Eps 8: That Voodoo That I Do Do
- Eps 9: Madame and Her Special friend
- Eps 10: Something Salted and Twisted
- Eps 11: Santa's Village of the Damned
- Eps 12: That Special Tug
- Eps 13: Humiliation is a Visual Medium
- Eps 14: Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
- Eps 15: My Tongue is Meat
- Eps 16: Ergo, The Booty Call
- Eps 17: The Unfortunate Little Schnauser
- Eps 18: The Spit-Covered Cobbler
- Eps 19: Golly Moses, She's A Muffin
- Eps 20: Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
- Eps 21: And the Plot Moistens
- Eps 22: Just Once With Aunt Sophie
- Eps 23: Arguments for the Quickie
- Eps 24: That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
Season 4 - Sep. 18, 2006
- Eps 1: Working for Caligula
- Eps 2: Who's Vod Kanockers?
- Eps 3: The Sea is a Harsh Mistress
- Eps 4: A Pot Smoking Monkey
- Eps 5: A Live Woman of Proven Fertility
- Eps 6: Apologies for the Frivolity
- Eps 7: Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head
- Eps 8: Release the Dogs
- Eps 9: Corey's Been Dead For an Hour
- Eps 10: Kissing Abraham Lincoln
- Eps 11: Walnuts and Demerol
- Eps 12: Castrating Sheep in Montana
- Eps 13: Don't Worry, Speed Racer
- Eps 14: That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami
- Eps 15: My Damn Stalker
- Eps 16: Young People Have Phlegm Too
- Eps 17: I Merely Slept With a Commie
- Eps 18: It Never Rains in Hooterville
- Eps 19: Smooth as a Ken Doll
- Eps 20: Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot
- Eps 21: Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous
- Eps 22: Mr. McGlue's Feedbag
- Eps 23: Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin
- Eps 24: Prostitutes and Gelato
Season 5 - Sep. 24, 2007
- Eps 1: Large Birds, Spiders and Mom
- Eps 2: Media Room Slash Dungeon
- Eps 3: Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
- Eps 4: City of Great Racks
- Eps 5: Putting Swim Fins on a Cat
- Eps 6: Help Daddy Find His Toenail
- Eps 7: The Leather Gear is in the Guest Room
- Eps 8: Is There a Mrs. Waffles?
- Eps 9: Shoes, Hats, Pickle, Jar Lids.
- Eps 10: Kinda Like Necrophilia
- Eps 11: Meander to Your Dander
- Eps 12: A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
- Eps 13: The Soil is Moist
- Eps 14: Winky-Dink Time
- Eps 15: Rough Night in Hump Junction (aka His Ugly Bundle)
- Eps 16: Look At Me, Mommy, I'm Pretty
- Eps 17: Fish in a Drawer
- Eps 18: If My Hole Could Talk
- Eps 19: Waiting for the Right Snapper
Season 6 - Sep. 22, 2008
- Eps 1: Taterhead is Our Love Child
- Eps 2: Pie Hole, Herb
- Eps 3: Damn You, Eggs Benedict
- Eps 4: The Flavin' and the Mavin'
- Eps 5: A Jock Strap in Hell
- Eps 6: It's Always Nazi Week (1)
- Eps 7: Best H.O. Money Can Buy
- Eps 8: Pinocchio's Mouth
- Eps 9: The Mooch At The Boo
- Eps 10: He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited
- Eps 11: The Devil's Lube
- Eps 12: Thank God for Scoliosis
- Eps 13: I Think You Offended Don
- Eps 14: David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie
- Eps 15: I'd Like to Start With the Cat
- Eps 16: She'll Still Be Dead At Halftime
- Eps 17: The 'Ocu' Or The 'Pado'?
- Eps 18: My Son's Enormous Head
- Eps 19: The Two Finger Rule
- Eps 20: Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau
- Eps 21: Above Exalted Cyclops
- Eps 22: Sir Lancelot's Litter Box
- Eps 23: Good Morning, Mrs. Butterworth
- Eps 24: Baseball with Better Steroids
Season 7 - Sep. 21, 2009
- Eps 1: 818-jklpuzo
- Eps 2: Whipped Unto the Third Generation
- Eps 3: Mmm, Fish. Yum.
- Eps 4: Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator
- Eps 5: For the Sake of the Child
- Eps 6: Give Me Your Thumb
- Eps 7: Untainted by Filth
- Eps 8: Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
- Eps 9: Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair
- Eps 10: That's Why They Call It Ball Room
- Eps 11: Warning, It's Dirty
- Eps 12: Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste
- Eps 13: Yay, No Polyps!
- Eps 14: Crude and Uncalled For (1)
- Eps 15: Aye, Aye, Captain Douche (2)
- Eps 16: Tinkle Like a Princess
- Eps 17: I Found Your Moustache
- Eps 18: Ixnay on the Oggie Day
- Eps 19: Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave
- Eps 20: I Called Him Magoo
- Eps 21: Gumby with a Pokey
- Eps 22: This is Not Gonna End Well
Season 8 - Sep. 20, 2010
- Eps 1: Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud
- Eps 2: A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer
- Eps 3: A Pudding-Filled Cactus
- Eps 4: Hookers, Hookers, Hookers
- Eps 5: The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel
- Eps 6: Twanging Your Magic Clanger
- Eps 7: The Crazy Bitch Gazette
- Eps 8: Springtime on a Stick
- Eps 9: A Good Time In Central Africa
- Eps 10: Ow, Ow, Don't Stop
- Eps 11: Dead From the Waist Down
- Eps 12: Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead
- Eps 13: Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup
- Eps 14: Lookin' for Japanese Subs
- Eps 15: Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak
- Eps 16: That Darn Priest
Season 9 - Sep. 19, 2011
- Eps 1: Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
- Eps 2: People Who Love Peepholes
- Eps 3: Big Girls Don't Throw Food
- Eps 4: Nine Magic Fingers
- Eps 5: A Giant Cat Holding Churro
- Eps 6: The Squat and The Hover
- Eps 7: Those Fancy Japanese Toilets
- Eps 8: Thank You For The Intercourse
- Eps 9: Frodo's Headshots
- Eps 10: Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
- Eps 11: A Lovely Landing Strip
- Eps 12: One False Move, Zimbabwe!
- Eps 13: Slowly and in a Circular Fashion
- Eps 14: A Possum on Chemo
- Eps 15: The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack
- Eps 16: Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy
- Eps 17: Not In My Mouth
- Eps 18: The War Against Gingivitis
- Eps 19: Palmdale, Ech
- Eps 20: Grandma's Pie
- Eps 21: Mr. Hose Says Yes
- Eps 22: Why We Gave Up Women
- Eps 23: The Straw In My Donut Hole
- Eps 24: Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Season 10 - Sep. 27, 2012
- Eps 1: I Changed My Mind About the Milk
- Eps 2: A Big Bag of Dog
- Eps 3: Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt
- Eps 4: You Do Know What The Lollipop Is For
- Eps 5: That's Not What They Call It In Amsterdam
- Eps 6: Ferrets, Attack!
- Eps 7: Avoid the Chinese Mustard
- Eps 8: Something My Gynecologist Said
- Eps 9: I Scream When I Pee
- Eps 10: One Nut Johnson
- Eps 11: Give Santa a Tail-Hole
- Eps 12: Welcome to Alancrest
- Eps 13: Grab A Feather And Get In Line
- Eps 14: Run Steven Staven! Run!
- Eps 15: Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It
- Eps 16: Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby
- Eps 17: Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries
- Eps 18: The 9:04 From Pemberton
- Eps 19: Big Episode: Someone Stole a Spoon
- Eps 20: Bazinga! That's From a TV Show
- Eps 21: Another Night With Neil Diamond
- Eps 22: My Bodacious Vidalia
- Eps 23: Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped
Season 11 - Sep. 26, 2013
- Eps 1: Nangnangnangnang
- Eps 2: I Think I Banged Lucille Ball
- Eps 3: This Unblessed Biscuit
- Eps 4: Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank
- Eps 5: Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003
- Eps 6: Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants
- Eps 7: Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie
- Eps 8: Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.
- Eps 9: Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer
- Eps 10: On vodka, on soda, on blender, on Mixer!
- Eps 11: Tazed In The Lady Nuts
- Eps 12: Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.
- Eps 13: Bite Me, Supreme Court
- Eps 14: Three Fingers of Creme de Menthe
- Eps 15: Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin
- Eps 16: How to Get Rid of Alan Harper
- Eps 17: Welcome Home, Jake
- Eps 18: West Side Story
- Eps 19: Daddy's Got a Healthy Flavor Stick
- Eps 20: Lotta Delis in Little Armenia
- Eps 21: Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot
- Eps 22: Oh, WALD-E, Good Times Ahead
Season 12 - Oct. 30, 2014
- Eps 1: The Ol' Mexican Spinach
- Eps 2: A Chic Bar in Ibiza
- Eps 3: Glamping in a Yurt
- Eps 4: Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight
- Eps 5: Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.
- Eps 6: Alan Shot a Little Girl
- Eps 7: Sex with an Animated Ed Asner
- Eps 8: Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey
- Eps 9: Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey
- Eps 10: Here I Come, Pants!
- Eps 11: For Whom the Booty Calls
- Eps 12: A Beer Battered Rip-Off
- Eps 13: Boompa Loved His Hookers
- Eps 14: Don't Give a Monkey a Gun
- Eps 15: Of Course He's Dead (1)
Two and a Half Men Season 12 Episode 14
HD
Overview:
After they sign their divorce papers, Walden offers Alan the gift of his choice, but when Alan chooses something selfish and impractical, it puts his relationship with Lyndsey on the line.